Living in a death phobic, grief illiterate culture…
I frequently remark that we live in a death phobic, grief illiterate culture, meaning that we fear death and are ignorant about grief. I am encouraged by the many signs that both the fear of death and the lack of information surrounding grief are shifting. In my lifetime there has been an explosion of research, conferences, clinical studies and books examining death, the afterlife and grief.
In 1969, Swiss American psychiatrist, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross published her seminal work on the stages of death. Soon after a popular book about people’s near-death experiences was written by Raymond Moody. These books became handbooks for health care and spiritual professionals, eventually finding their way into the hands of laypeople interested in death and the afterlife. In the subsequent fifty years there has developed a plethora of material, including research studies, books, movies, magazine articles and videos on these topics. There are now specialized professionals dedicated to helping us die peacefully, without pain. There are grief gurus leading the broken hearted through bereavement. Moreover, there are many non-professionals who having experienced loss, have developed the compassion and skill to help people die well. There are an equal number of people who are superb companions for the bereaved. Whether a professional death doula or a volunteer angel, it’s becoming easier to find people prepared to take the journey with you.
A majority of people in our culture still admit their fear of dying and many remain amateurs in the grieving process. Such a naïveté is costing us dearly. The fear of death is born of various worries. Some fear the pain of death, others the process of letting go, still others fear the unknown next reality. Frequently our fear of death renders us unable to talk to each other about the natural process of death, leaving us unprepared for our own death or the death of those we love, making it more difficult and painful. This anxiety can lead to an exaggerated fear of the afterlife, causing some to resist death, making it all the more fearful. Another cost of failing to openly talk about death is the isolation in facing our own death or that of a loved. Many health care professionals experience a sense of failure, shame or even guilt when they lose a patient. Even professionals spend little or no time processing the constant death confronting them, leading to exhaustion and burnout.
Failing to understand the grieving process likewise has its impact. Our ignorance leaves us not knowing how to help ourselves or each other through loss, resulting in unnecessary emotional and physical pain and suffering. The void of accurate, intelligent knowledge is sometimes filled with false, ineffective and even harmful misinformation. Experiencing a death loss without effective resources, especially an unexpected, significant, or traumatic death-loss, can result in life-long mental health issues.
Grief is a normal and natural response to loss. Grief is a reaction to a variety of losses people experience throughout their lives. Grief is a paradoxical experience because often you are doing your best healing when you feel the worst. Sometimes referred to as normal or functional grief, healthy grief has a function. It allows mourners to identify, acknowledge, feel and integrate what they love, but are now without.
Grief is individual; each loss has its own characteristics, and each griever mourns within their capacity, history, and approach to life. For example people may have strong beliefs about the afterlife, or not, their belief will shape their journey. The impact of a death-loss on one’s daily life is particular to the circumstances of the relationship. For example, if someone living in our house dies, our grieving process is very different than if we loved them just as deeply but had not seen them in years. Grief is hard work, above all be gentle with yourself when you are mourning the loss of someone or something.
I have called on people in the past to become grief literate, and I do it again. If you are looking for a good place to start, I highly recommend a full reading of the document BECOMING GRIEF-INFORMED:A CALL TO ACTION by Donna L. Schuurman, EdD, FT and Monique B. Mitchell, PhD, FT published by the Dougy Center: The National Grief Center for Children & Families.
https://www.dougy.org/assets/uploads/Becoming-Grief-Informed_A-Call-to-Action.pdf
