Grief is seldom straightforward …
The last thing a grieving person needs to hear is, “I know just what you are going through.“ Just because we may have had a similar loss, such as the death of a parent, spouse, best friend or child, it does not mean that we can identify with the feelings of others who have that same loss. Grief is complicated; two individuals can lose a spouse and experience the loss very differently. Examining the types of grief can illuminate the individuality of loss.
Normal grief is the most common. It is experienced by people who lose someone in the most usual and commonly desirable way, of old age. Both my parents died in their nineties and enjoyed good health until the end; there were no special circumstances that complicated the mourning process, my grief was normal, typical and uncomplicated.
Anticipatory grief is experienced when someone grieves the loss of a person before their physical death. I witnessed anticipatory grief many times when my office was located on a unit for people with dementia-related diseases. The children and spouses of residents regularly expressed anticipatory grief, feeling their loved one’s loss a little more each day. I experienced anticipatory grief when for nine months, I nursed a dear friend who was semi-conscious and slowly dying of a brain tumor. I grieved her loss months before her physical death.
In some circumstances, the opposite happens and the grief journey does not begin at the physical death. This is called delayed grief. During the Covid-19 Pandemic many people, who chose to postpone the rituals that accompany death and burial, experienced delayed grief. When there are circumstances surrounding a death that are unresolved, such as when a body is not recovered, it can result in delayed or unresolved grief.
Complicated grief is traumatic or prolonged. Death by suicide, homicide, natural disasters, mass shootings and events such as 9/11 are all examples of where grief is complicated. The public nature of such deaths, the unexpected shock, and the controversy that surround these types of death confound the grief.
Chronic grief happens when we get trapped in grief and there is little progress or healing. It can happen when a loss is too painful to face. When a death is hard to accept, chronic grief can act as a means of keeping a loved one alive. Unfortunately, it is a poor substitute and becomes a difficult emotional habit to break.
Cumulative grief is when the grief of a particular loss gets joined to another and perhaps even a third. In 2005 my cousin died at the age of 34, leaving behind twin toddlers with a genetic disease. Fourteen months later one of the twins died, seven months after, the remaining twin passed away. Losing his entire family within a two-year period, my cousin’s husband suffered from cumulative grief, unable to separate one loss from the other and destroying any normalcy in his life for years.
When grief becomes so suppressed it produces its own symptoms it no longer resembles grief, nor are the symptoms related to the specific death. This is known as masked grief. Physical, emotional and even spiritual symptoms can mask grief.
Grief is hard work and emotionally exhausting whatever the circumstance and form it takes. No matter what type of grief you suffer from, you own it, it is yours to understand, heal, and learn from. Death and grief are personal and intimate, which makes the statement, “I know just what you are going through,” so insensitive.
“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not “get over” the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.” (Elizabeth Kűbler-Ross)
If grief interferes with your daily functioning, it is good to consult a grief counselor.
